Nature versus Nurture has aways been a subject that floats in and out of my mind. As I observe my children and reflect back to their littleness, it's very clear that they are all different by virtue of their nature.
Challenging children: Do they develop their intensities while in utero? Does stress of the mother while pregnant play a role? If a fetus is already genetically made up of certain traits, do these traits then become exacerbated by the mother's environmental stress which ends up causing her (and the fetus) internal stress - "fight or flight"- increased levels of adrenaline? If so, I experienced most stress (in comparison to my other pregnancies) while growing, and in the first six months of nurturing, my first born.
One fourth of my children challenges me. Mitch has been a "more" child since he was two. The other three kids are not of that ilk. Although he has grown out of many of these traits, I write this list to remember and provide clarity of thought.
Some of his traits (written with permission):
- extreme hyperfocusing
- unrelenting/negotiates to excess
- sensitivity to clothing
- easily overstimulated
- heightened awareness visually and auditorally
- needs instruction clearly and concisely written or spoken
- takes over an hour or two to fall asleep
- fine motor skills challenged
- obsessed over scary things; not fear motivated when older
- social appropriateness is not intuitive or innate; skills need to be taught
- unable to have understanding of others' feelings, if it's not what he would feel
- impulsive
- emulates
- enuresis until eleven
- blank, unblinking (buzzed) look when overstimulated
- needed to know what was expected for the day
- full-on crisis mode when a specific thing could not be found
- horrible day if not enough food or sleep
- routine, routine, routine or disaster
- disaster if he could not put together or build - fine motor
I've listed twenty traits here and that's not all of them. I took him to the doctor last year and after a twenty minute visit we left with diagnosis of ADHD. I was annoyed to say the least. I believe him to be in the shadows of high functioning Aspergers. After some time had passed I decided I didn't want him diagnosed. Why? because I'm not a believer in labels, I think they can be a blessing and a curse. Although he has overcome MANY of the aforementioned traits some became more intense with puberty. Such as, the following of instructions like - how to effectively use toilet paper and flush without flooding the house - which took about two years of instruction and yelling.
Last summer was the hardest emotional time I have ever experienced with my son. A lot of it had to do with his hyperfocusing on rap music and gangsters. (Sorry Naomi Aldort, I disagree with you! I don't think all kids can learn to self-regulate, maybe for the average person, but we're all individual with individual genetic material and some kids are excessive and without limits.) He was into gangsters and rappers for two years, even though he told me it would be like anything else he's been interested in; he'd eventually move on. I still felt as though I knew him, he hyperfocuses, he emulates....where would it lead? It led to friends of an unsavory nature living in neglected homes with neglectful people. It led to trouble.
He is a resourceful, bright, interesting and a magnificent boy, with a free and wild spirit. He has been a challenge to parent and has caused a lot of emotional trauma to all of us. His siblings have cried many tears over their concerns for him and because of traits inflicted upon them. There was a shift at seven years and things were easier, then a shift at twelve and things got harder, now a shift at fourteen and a half and things are calmer.
If I was to graph his list of traits and compare those same traits, in my very small control group of four children, the results would show: Mitch 20; Mackenzie 2; Hanna 4 and Owen 3. If I did the math, my younger three show results that are very closely related (average) and Mitch is the outlier. He didn't and still doesn't get parented as freely and loosly as my other kids because he is unable to realize/recognize his limits. He's way better at it now, but he had no idea how to cope when he was younger. I had to observe him closely to determine the flow of his day. What helped and what didn't. Playgroups were a challenge because he's an "in your face kind of person" add that to easily overstimulated, not enough sleep and that could easily spell disaster for him and everyone existing in his tumultuous wake. I would have to physically remove him to a quiet place so he could hear my requests. At times, he has exhausted everyone and eventually, over time, that takes a toll.
Now, even though things are calm - except for the police bringing him home last week - he likes and wants to always go to sleepovers and I have issues with that. He chooses homes with dysfunctional people - they don't influence me, I influence them - he claims. I can believe that, but my concern is with him being surrounded by soooo much dysfunction because know it can affect him, I've been witness.
I cannot rely on ANY parenting expert's advice because the advice I read about is directed towards the average child. Mitch is extraordinary, he is an outlier, so that kind of advice is moot. I have to recognize and validate my boundaries and well as those of my other children. I can't allow his needs to come first. I can validate his feelings, wants, and needs and show him how to cope or ask him to remove himself or physically remove him, but I cannot make his issues the focus because we all live here together.
So as I sit here being mindful of my eldest son, and he is occupying a lot of my mind today, I don't want him to have the sleepover he's been asking for and not relenting about (I rarely allow sleepovers at the best of times). It's at a house with dysfunctional people, a house that has been broken into recently by kids getting back at the kid living there, a house that's run down and neglected much like the people living there. Even though I know he's not afraid, I am. I believe it is unhealthy for him to stay the night and they will stay up all night and they will probably be out of the house for a lot of the time too.
I feel like I just got him back and I don't want to lose him again.....my head hurts.
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life
Well, I've been afraid of changing cause I built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too
~Dixie Chicks~
Oh my.
ReplyDeleteI hate birth books - how can someone who has had multiple children POSSIBLY relate to someone about to have their first????
How can someone without a challenging child POSSIBLY relate to someone who does??? I LOVE LOVE LOVE how you see that your and your other 3 children's needs must be minded......it's a sign that he IS ASKING FOR PERMISSION, that means something.....he doesn't just do it.....be strong
I wouldn't let my little son sleep somewhere it wasn't safe. He's seven so it's an easy decision. But I can't imagine that I'd be any less worried at ten or fourteen.
ReplyDeleteTrying to picture how I'd handle it (now)....
I'd either say "A sleep over has to be somewhere we could all go", or I'd invite him to have a sleep over at our house.
If that felt too confining for him, I'd offer to provide the sleepover in the backyard in the summertime.
"It's my job to keep you safe" is something my children have heard often.
Not that I use it in just any old circumstance, only when safety is a true issue.
Aaah, Landslide. One of my very favorite songs. It was originally by Stevie Nicks, by the way. :)