After having a pretty crappy week, I've given much consideration to and reflected upon the subject of hormonal fluctuations. I believe that every few months I'm hit quite hard with lots of cramping, acne, headaches(that last two or three days), back and neck aches and let's just throw in one gigantic mood alteration! During this time something called "self-doubt" creeps its way into my head and I question all that I know(or I think I know) to be true. This is the time when I should not attempt anything at all. I should book the week off and have a movie marathon because, truly, nothing makes sense and I end up being completely reactive: "I don't know why my kids are home they should be at school!" and "Why didn't I make them stay when they went for three weeks in September!"; "I should be out there working or having some kind of career!"; "I'm such a freak, living a freakish life!"
That ugly week has now passed and I am calm again. Earlier in the week Mackenzie had said to me at night, "I wonder what things would be like if I had stayed in school, I like it better at home, but sometimes I think maybe I would have liked it better at school". I never know what to do with statements like this. It was a bad week and this statement had me crying off and on all that night and the next day because the "self-doubt creeper" had me thinking, maybe she's right. I've always openly voiced my discord with public school, but I think I'd better shut up because what if my kids actually prefer school? What if they're not being as open with me because they already know my strong opinions and objections and they think they ought not say anything against what I think or believe?
I remember reading an article about adults who were once homeschoolers and they were asked what they thought about their experience of being homeschooled; I vividly recall a comment one man made. He had fond memories of learning at home, but he also wished his parents didn't constantly state that their way of living was THE best way. Always hearing that from them made it very hard for him to want to learn of other ways or experience other ways to live which opposed his parents' ways. From recalling that article, I hope it reminds me to keep my strong opinions shut up in my head and just listen to my kids.
You say it best, when you say nothing at all.
~Alison Krauss~
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self doubt is a huge part of my daily life, I wonder all the time, if all the playing going on is enough??? Homelearner neurosis.....I suffer badly....I need to edit what I say about school too, there must be something good about it, right? Like Recess maybe.
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