Joy

It's almost like it's a part of her. Peace, joy and contentment come easily to her; reside in her. On Monday, Mackenzie decided she'd go outside to put some suet in the feeder and hang all the millet sprays, that we never got around to hanging in the backyard.

After that, off she went to shovel the snow from our driveway and front door walkway. Our driveway can fit four cars, so it's a lot to shovel, but she enjoyed shoveling the snow all away and then smashing the ice and shoveling that away too. It took her over two hours. When she finished, she very much wanted to shovel the senior lady's driveway across the street, however she was unsure how to approach her. The lady had been out in her driveway and shoveled a little bit and then went back in her house and Mackenzie thought maybe her back was sore or she was too tired to finish the job.

Kenzie wanted to do the act without being paid; an act of kindness. She sorted it all out in her head, mustered up the courage and went over to ask the lady and of course she really appreciated the offer and said yes. Kenzie shoveled the entire driveway with some help from Owen.


My kids are radically different. They are my greatest and most profound teachers. They are all magnificent as is my life with them.

I have to make sure I observe, remember and savour the moments.

I have many to be grateful for in 2008.

Hanna's morning terror

Awake, alone, terrified
Was it real
Is it true
Heart racing,
pounding, breaking
Sobbing
Heaving

She needs her mom
I hold her
I reassure her
I listen to her
I console her
I love her
She cries
I cry

She needs her dad
He hugs her
He comforts her
He reassures her
He loves her
She cries
Sobs uncontrollably
I dreamed you died

She loves him

I cry

Monday's Mindful Moments

Nature versus Nurture has aways been a subject that floats in and out of my mind. As I observe my children and reflect back to their littleness, it's very clear that they are all different by virtue of their nature.

Challenging children: Do they develop their intensities while in utero? Does stress of the mother while pregnant play a role? If a fetus is already genetically made up of certain traits, do these traits then become exacerbated by the mother's environmental stress which ends up causing her (and the fetus) internal stress - "fight or flight"- increased levels of adrenaline? If so, I experienced most stress (in comparison to my other pregnancies) while growing, and in the first six months of nurturing, my first born.

One fourth of my children challenges me. Mitch has been a "more" child since he was two. The other three kids are not of that ilk. Although he has grown out of many of these traits, I write this list to remember and provide clarity of thought.

Some of his traits (written with permission):

• extreme hyperfocusing
• unrelenting/negotiates to excess
• sensitivity to clothing
• easily overstimulated
• heightened awareness visually and auditorally
• needs instruction clearly and concisely written or spoken
• takes over an hour or two to fall asleep
• fine motor skills challenged
• obsessed over scary things; not fear motivated when older
• social appropriateness is not intuitive or innate; skills need to be taught
• unable to have understanding of others' feelings, if it's not what he would feel
• impulsive
• emulates
• enuresis until eleven
• blank, unblinking (buzzed) look when overstimulated
• needed to know what was expected for the day
• full-on crisis mode when a specific thing could not be found
• horrible day if not enough food or sleep
• routine, routine, routine or disaster
• disaster if he could not put together or build - fine motor

I've listed twenty traits here and that's not all of them. I took him to the doctor last year and after a twenty minute visit we left with diagnosis of ADHD. I was annoyed to say the least. I believe him to be in the shadows of high functioning Aspergers. After some time had passed I decided I didn't want him diagnosed. Why? because I'm not a believer in labels, I think they can be a blessing and a curse. Although he has overcome MANY of the aforementioned traits some became more intense with puberty. Such as, the following of instructions like - how to effectively use toilet paper and flush without flooding the house - which took about two years of instruction and yelling.

Last summer was the hardest emotional time I have ever experienced with my son. A lot of it had to do with his hyperfocusing on rap music and gangsters. (Sorry Naomi Aldort, I disagree with you! I don't think all kids can learn to self-regulate, maybe for the average person, but we're all individual with individual genetic material and some kids are excessive and without limits.) He was into gangsters and rappers for two years, even though he told me it would be like anything else he's been interested in; he'd eventually move on. I still felt as though I knew him, he hyperfocuses, he emulates....where would it lead? It led to friends of an unsavory nature living in neglected homes with neglectful people. It led to trouble.

He is a resourceful, bright, interesting and a magnificent boy, with a free and wild spirit. He has been a challenge to parent and has caused a lot of emotional trauma to all of us. His siblings have cried many tears over their concerns for him and because of traits inflicted upon them. There was a shift at seven years and things were easier, then a shift at twelve and things got harder, now a shift at fourteen and a half and things are calmer.

If I was to graph his list of traits and compare those same traits, in my very small control group of four children, the results would show: Mitch 20; Mackenzie 2; Hanna 4 and Owen 3. If I did the math, my younger three show results that are very closely related (average) and Mitch is the outlier. He didn't and still doesn't get parented as freely and loosly as my other kids because he is unable to realize/recognize his limits. He's way better at it now, but he had no idea how to cope when he was younger. I had to observe him closely to determine the flow of his day. What helped and what didn't. Playgroups were a challenge because he's an "in your face kind of person" add that to easily overstimulated, not enough sleep and that could easily spell disaster for him and everyone existing in his tumultuous wake. I would have to physically remove him to a quiet place so he could hear my requests. At times, he has exhausted everyone and eventually, over time, that takes a toll.

Now, even though things are calm - except for the police bringing him home last week - he likes and wants to always go to sleepovers and I have issues with that. He chooses homes with dysfunctional people - they don't influence me, I influence them - he claims. I can believe that, but my concern is with him being surrounded by soooo much dysfunction because know it can affect him, I've been witness.

I cannot rely on ANY parenting expert's advice because the advice I read about is directed towards the average child. Mitch is extraordinary, he is an outlier, so that kind of advice is moot. I have to recognize and validate my boundaries and well as those of my other children. I can't allow his needs to come first. I can validate his feelings, wants, and needs and show him how to cope or ask him to remove himself or physically remove him, but I cannot make his issues the focus because we all live here together.

So as I sit here being mindful of my eldest son, and he is occupying a lot of my mind today, I don't want him to have the sleepover he's been asking for and not relenting about (I rarely allow sleepovers at the best of times). It's at a house with dysfunctional people, a house that has been broken into recently by kids getting back at the kid living there, a house that's run down and neglected much like the people living there. Even though I know he's not afraid, I am. I believe it is unhealthy for him to stay the night and they will stay up all night and they will probably be out of the house for a lot of the time too.

I feel like I just got him back and I don't want to lose him again.....my head hurts.


Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life


Well, I've been afraid of changing cause I built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too


~Dixie Chicks~

193.6

That's the number of pounds the Outer Self carries around while,

the Inner Self flits freely and lightly around.

The Inner and Outer Selves were aligned while running all those hours; they came together as equals crossing the finish lines.


Find the strength, courage, honesty and clarity to become detached from the rituals of tea and sweets, so that the Inner and Outer Selves can re-align once more.

Dear Self,

As shocking, disturbing and uncomfortable as these pictures may be, please visit them regularly as they will help you on your journey. Be kind and gentle to yourself and remember you really aren't as grumpy and sad as you look in your picture.

Lovingly, Me

The last of the mailbox days

Tonight is our last night of the mailbox. I totally detach from Christmastime on Boxing Day as that is when Christmas takes its leave. Everything comes down, and goes away. Only then, can I begin to declutter, and think of new ideas.

Monday night's Mailbox treat = individual packages of Ritz Crackers with cheese; Note = today we need to do the three things we haven't done from previous notes: hang the millet sprays(my husband couldn't find suet so he bought sprays - 6 of them that we can hang in the branches of the backyard trees); play Qwirkle; make Ditto Chocolate Dips! None of these things were done because other things like playing in the snow trumped them.

Tonight's (last one) Mailbox treat = Jolly Rancher candies; Note = It's Christmas Eve tonight and you get to open one present!

Monday's Mindful Moments

Being fairly new to blogging, I've begun to find some of the most creative, thought provoking, inspiring, motivating, interesting women while blog hopping; discovering and learning new ideas.

This is one of my most recent finds. While not feeling quite comfortable enough to post this on her site, I'm posting it here.

I've spent quite a bit of time thinking about a word for 2009. I have come to suspect that 2009 will be a year of "change" for us as we've tossed around the idea of selling our house and renting. It will also be the year that I have to contribute financially - it's time for me to earn money! I'd like my kids to be able to continue homeschooling while I'm earning money. This has led me to begin looking into foster care and if we do provide foster care then this will be more "change". While change is a good word to describe 2009, that's just it, it's more of a description and an outcome for the happenings. I decided to dig a little deeper.

I know it must be the year to look at my eating issues, my addiction to sweets. Again, another change, but that makes me think I must learn to "adapt" to the changes that will be taking place even though I don't really want to make these changes. Dig a little deeper and I realize more; I need to figure out how to deal with the changes. I questioned, "just how will I adapt to the changes?". I reflected for some time, became quiet enough for the answer to reveal itself in the word "detached".

Defined, detached is to be "free from emotional and intellectual involvement". This is clearly something that I am NOT. I am very attached to our lifestyle, our home, being free from schedules, eating my sweets while sipping my tea,....sigh. I need to research, most likely, through Buddhism, the act of becoming detached and the ritual I will need to learn to get me there. While heading down the simplicity path several years ago, I did a bit of reading on this topic, but that was a few years ago. Thinking of Naomi Aldort and her coined phrase, which I'm thinking it originates with Byron Katie, "who would I be without [fill in the blank]". Whenever I fill in the blank and really think about who I would be, the word free comes to my mind because I would essentially be free from emotional and intellectual involvement which is what it is to be "detached".

I've already found a starting place. There's a Law of Detachment that I've forgotten about. I need to do some more Byron Katie and Deepak Chopra reading next year.



This moment is as it should be. This moment is my teacher. If I struggle against this moment, I struggle against the flow of the universe.

~ I can't remember the author, but I had this taped to my cupboard when my kids were very little; the beginning of my simplicity journey. ~

More snow

As predicted the storm came. Owen got out the tape measure and claimed it was about 10cm that came last night, but snow continued throughout the day and added another 5cm. Will we get more? The icicles hanging from the streetlight, which were noticed and watched over yesterday, fell off sometime in the night. The kids want snow for Christmas Day.

They think the gingerbread house they made (put together) yesterday, was the best they've ever made. Owen thought to put icing in a medicine syringe and decorate with it. It was a great idea and worked well.


Mailbox treat = gum; Note = We'll make Ditto Chocolate Dips (a cookie bar).

Lucy's first haircut

Before



Before

After

After

Mailbox treat = Fruit Roll-Ups; Note: [tomorrow morning]It's the first day of winter and we'll hang the suet feeder in the backyard.

Taking daily stock of the weather

My kids regularly read the thermometer during the summer and winter. They are fascinated by the fluctuations in temperature. They watch and listen to weather reports and let me know what's to be expected. They ask if I think the weather reporters or meteorologists are right or do I think the weather will change or be different from what's expected; I give the questions right back to them which causes them to observe. They take rulers and measure the snow and then let me know its depth. They often inform me on the differences in the weather report compared to what is. We have a little thermometer by our front door, touching the concrete and leaning against the door, but I think it gives a faulty read because of the fact that it's touching the concrete. I'd like to look for a thermometer that we could attach to the side of the house. I must research thermometers and weather readers as I think it would be a worthwhile investment for my weather watchers.


Mailbox treat = fruit cups; Note: we'll make a gingerbread house (it's a kit!)

Trees

Visually, I find that they are as equally soothing and comforting as water. Reveries I experience while being in amongst trees, or even while viewing them through a window, parallel moments at the ocean or river. Even though these trees appear to be dancing, while I watch them from my window, I can see them shiver every now and again. My mind drifts to thoughts of all the creatures who are out there trying to find shelter. With my trees in view, my warmth inside is enhanced and much appreciated. I am grateful to be warm.



Mailbox treat = Gushers; Note = we'll learn how to play Qwirkle

An epoch

My first gift of the season came unwrapped in the form of an epoch.

As Shawn and I were just about to drive over the 5th Street Bridge on Monday evening after a few hours of shopping, the traffic began to slow and a city bus up ahead of us put on its hazard lights. Traffic flowing in the opposite direction was almost at a complete stop. A few drivers began to honk their horns impatiently, but through the car honks, I could recognize another honk, that of a majestic creature known as a Trumpeter Swan! I spotted the tips of its enormous wings flapping and my husband had thought it had possibly been hit by a car. We both wondered how it came to be walking on the bridge, that maybe it had flown onto the sidewalk and somehow became confused by the cars. Drivers did nothing to help it. Some kept honking and some tried to scare it by driving towards it. I couldn't bear to sit and watch. I hopped out of the van and ran up to the beautiful bird just as a man was approaching it as well. We both opened up are arms and created a winglike span, gathered around it and directed it off the bridge down a side street. As I gazed into the cygnet's eyes I could sense its fear and confusion. Being able to come that close to the grand, wild creature with a wingspan longer than I am tall, caused my heart to swell; I was in the presence of greatness.

Mailbox treat = Jello containers; Note = tonight Uncle John will be coming for dinner so you can help me plan our dinner and dessert, as well as, make the table all pretty with candles.

My information seeker

Here it is, missing the front cover. The Animal Atlas. I thought I had purged it during one of my de-cluttering rampages. This brings back so many memories for Mitch and me. We reminisced last week about how much he loved this book and how much he had it read to him. From the time he was two years old until he was about six this was his most cherished book. My mom remembers the times she would ask him to go find a book for her to read to him and every time he'd run off in search of this book. He wanted to know: what is that animal's name, where does he come from, what does he eat, who are its predators? This was how he learned his continents. He learned so much from this book. After this book came the bird book, another book my mother recalls reading.

He has had many passions that have lasted months or years; he became completely hyperfocused: animals, birds, sea life, reptiles, bugs, countries of the world, ancient times, medieval times, movies, video games, wars, wrestling, UFC, rappers and gangsters. I seriously worried for the past year and a half about his passion for gangsters and rappers, but he assured me it was like all his interests and obsessions of the past; he'll learn all he wants and then move on to something else. I spent many hours trying to figure out how to redirect this interest, but I couldn't.

I've always called him an information seeker, but after having a conversation with my mom in which she called him a researcher, I am beginning to think differently. I've been thinking a lot about Malcolm Gladwell's book called Outliers. I haven't read it yet, but I've watched him in an interview. The book's premise is that people who become highly successful with sustained success, have amoung other things, spent 10,000 hours working on their passion. I think he's making a point that these are not "gifted" people as they have put in much time, amoung other factors, to get where they are. Some of the people who are perceived as talented or gifted, are that way because they've spent a lot of time working on their passion. These are the people who lie outside the average clump or grouping on a scale or graph. If I were to to make and estimated guess, Mitch has probably spent 7,000 hours on researching species. I wonder if he'll return to his former passion? I wonder if he'll become some sort of researcher? I used to tell him when he was little, and wanted to go to Africa to see all of the animals, that when he became a man and went to work for National Geographic, that I would go along as his assistant and carry his bags of books and cameras.

Mailbox treat = Pringles chips, mini Spite pop can and popcorn topper spice; Note = we'll rent new releases(rent one and get one free) and make popcorn with topper

Monday's Mindful Moments

There is much on my mind today. It's actually Tuesday and as I've come to edit this post, I find I have too much I want to include. This post will actually be three key thoughts in one lengthy post!

• A great big thank you to Robert and Florence Filberg for their donation of their spectacular nine acre, waterfront property and home to our community! This park is one of my favourite places to spend time. I used to bring my kids to this park's petting zoo every summer when they were little. The gingerbread display was set up in the Filberg Lodge which was once their home from 1929-1977. It's beautiful rustic interior is warm and inviting. My favourite room is the "breakfast room" located off of the dining room. If I were to have been so fortunate to live in such a place, I'm sure I could have been found sitting with my tea, in that room, several times a day, gazing out at the ocean and wildlife. There were many gingerbread houses that were creatively made and decorated. We were allowed to vote for our favourite houses.

I liked this one the best.

This lighthouse was a very close second.

• I am a huge fan of Anne of Green Gables (I own all three on VHS) and last night the prequel was on TV. I read the first book of the series to my kids about six years ago and then we watched the movie. Sometime soon after that, we watched the other two. The first movie was very close to the book. The actors were superb as was the cinematography. Having watched the prequel and finding out that a lot of what I had known about Anne's plight wasn't entirely true, deeply saddens me. The scene where she and Marilla are filmed from behind walking down the dirt road, holding hands now takes on a different meaning for me. In fact, much of the trilogy is now different somehow. I haven't fallen into the "depths of despair" about it, but I feel like I'm close to the edge. I'm shattered. I tried to tape it, but the tape was old and it didn't record well enough to watch. I'm going to buy the movie if it becomes available for sale, then have an Anne marathon and maybe I'll feel better. I'm wondering if it was the film writers who wrote it that way or if it was Lucy Maude Montgomery as I've never read any of the other books in the series so I don't know?

• Some Myths and Half-Truths - From a woman who is passionate about and greatly intrigued by social behaviour and social science.

1. Balance ~ This is something I keep hearing time and time again. Trying to find "balance" with life (family, career, extended family, interests, hobbies, exercise and everything else that is a part of life) is a myth. It's a myth because individual lives are always in a state of change. Someone's balance is another's imbalance. There are always factors that can throw a day, any day, everyday completely out of balance. Expectations and perceptions come in to play here. Balance is in the eyes of the beholder.


2. Quality Time ~ Another good myth. Any time is time together and what might be perceived as "quality" by one person might be seen as boring or a bother by another. Just being together is all that's required.


3. Perfection ~ Here's a half-truth. Yes, there is something called perfection, but this too is in the eyes of the beholder. Self-imposed expectations surface with perfection and the setting of the bar is an individual perception too. I had a perfect week with my eldest son. He was home sick all week, but our relationship was fabulous - to me. Another might think - how can she think it's perfect because her kid is on academic probation so he must be a trouble maker - he's a bright kid and the grades are subjective and in accordance to learning outcomes only. We worked on his project together and had a wonderful time discussing the subject. No letter grade is going to make my experience over the week anything less than perfect. My house isn't clean, it's organized and uncluttered(most of the time), but that's what I need in order to function and it's my perfect. Walking into woman's house which smells of bleach is "way over the top" clean for me, but maybe that's her perfect.


4. Well-Rounded ~ This term just makes me feel sick! Who the hell came up with this one?Exposing your kids to many experiences will make them a well-rounded person - barf! Who deems which activities and how many will make for a well-rounded person? This term is the epitome of someone else's perfection and I want nothing to do with it!

Mailbox treat = Dunkaroos; Note = we'll make ginger cookies for Dad today - he was reminded of these cookies while at the display of gingerbread houses.

Most of the change we think we see in life is due to truths being in and out of favor.

~Robert Frost~

Thoughtful girl

I was just thinking today, that when Mackenzie, Hanna and their friend Laura walked to Tim Horton's for lunch yesterday they stopped off at Pharmasave and Mackenzie bought gifts for me and her dad; she had them gift wrapped at the store. How cute!

• Mailbox - Ritz Bits with cheese. Note: "we're going to the Filberg Center to see the gingerbread houses on display".

Mailbox

I started this tradition about four years ago which is a countdown for twelve days until Christmas Eve day. We set up our tree on December 12th and put out the mailbox which gets filled that night. It's a simple little mailbox that my mom gave me after she had received it with a gift inside. It used to have a flag on it, but it broke so Owen made a new one. They like me to put the flag on when it has been filled and then the person opening it, in the morning, takes the flag off. The kids alternate days for opening the mailbox for a total of twelve days which means each of the three younger kids gets to open it four times. Mitch sleeps late and is no longer excited to open the mailbox, but enjoys getting the treat.

At night, I put a treat inside the mailbox along with a little note that has something fun written on it. Friday night I put four gum packs inside it and a note that read "there's something else behind a pillow close by". Owen did the hot and cold game until he found the pillow with the surprise hiding behind it: Fruit Loops! Tonight it's four orange Tic Tac packs with a note that reads "you can open your cards from ?". Their Nana mails cards to them every year so they get to open their cards from her. It's a fun and simple tradition of which they'll hopefully have fond memories.

Hanna's snowgirl

• First snowfall - first snowday - kids play
• The tree is up and getting decorated
• Christmas music playing
• Mackenzie goes to the dentist
• I shop for the mailbox treats
• Mailbox is on the table

Monday's Mindful Moments

After having a pretty crappy week, I've given much consideration to and reflected upon the subject of hormonal fluctuations. I believe that every few months I'm hit quite hard with lots of cramping, acne, headaches(that last two or three days), back and neck aches and let's just throw in one gigantic mood alteration! During this time something called "self-doubt" creeps its way into my head and I question all that I know(or I think I know) to be true. This is the time when I should not attempt anything at all. I should book the week off and have a movie marathon because, truly, nothing makes sense and I end up being completely reactive: "I don't know why my kids are home they should be at school!" and "Why didn't I make them stay when they went for three weeks in September!"; "I should be out there working or having some kind of career!"; "I'm such a freak, living a freakish life!"

That ugly week has now passed and I am calm again. Earlier in the week Mackenzie had said to me at night, "I wonder what things would be like if I had stayed in school, I like it better at home, but sometimes I think maybe I would have liked it better at school". I never know what to do with statements like this. It was a bad week and this statement had me crying off and on all that night and the next day because the "self-doubt creeper" had me thinking, maybe she's right. I've always openly voiced my discord with public school, but I think I'd better shut up because what if my kids actually prefer school? What if they're not being as open with me because they already know my strong opinions and objections and they think they ought not say anything against what I think or believe?

I remember reading an article about adults who were once homeschoolers and they were asked what they thought about their experience of being homeschooled; I vividly recall a comment one man made. He had fond memories of learning at home, but he also wished his parents didn't constantly state that their way of living was THE best way. Always hearing that from them made it very hard for him to want to learn of other ways or experience other ways to live which opposed his parents' ways. From recalling that article, I hope it reminds me to keep my strong opinions shut up in my head and just listen to my kids.


You say it best, when you say nothing at all.
~Alison Krauss~

It's all about the sound of music

An interesting way to amplify an MP3 player's sound. Wrap paper into cone shapes and attach the cones to the earplugs. If you start off making small cones and then increase the size of the cones you will also increase the sound, so Hanna informed me. Set up this way, Hanna can hear her music from her MP3 player pretty well in her bedroom. Who needs to spend extra money on plug-in sound stations when you can make these?

Monday's Mindful Moments

Over the years, I've thought a lot about that forward that gets sent around in emails. The one that asks "If you could invite anyone, living or dead, to dinner, who would you invite?". I think this is an interesting question because so much of life's profound questions could be answered during that one night, and if allowed, my dinner would go on all night.

I would start off by inviting George Stroumboulopoulos because I think he is the best interviewer I've ever watched. Interviews with him are very conversational and without judgement or bias. I was going to invite Oprah, but lately she's become far too opinionated during interviews and she interjects and judges( it comes off kind of enduring, but I don't buy it). Then I thought of Barbara Walters, but she's kind of rigid and old school. So I'm choosing George as I think I'd be too overwhelmed to converse and ask questions, so he could get the ball rolling for me and if need be, keep it going.

I would then, invite Jesus because I want to hear HIS story, not the one written about him, plus he could tell me when he was really born - I doubt it was December 25th. Then I'd pick Gandhi because I adore him and want to learn from him, although he may be too quiet and with little to say, but whatever he had to say, I'm sure it would be profound. Then, while sipping my tea and sitting by the wood burning fire that would be all aglow and crackling, I'd like to observe and listen to the conversations between these three men: Henry David Thoreau, Ralph Waldo Emerson and Bronson Alcott (yes, Louisa May's father) as they were all friends and influential forward thinkers of their time; they were part of the Transcendalists group, but I don't want the whole group, just the three. I would like to ask these people what they all think of Christmastime in the 21st century. I believe they would all be aghast and appalled. I would want Vincent Van Gogh there because he was so tormented with life and art. Oh and, Charles Dickens, is he as dark as his books(which I confess, I've watched most on BBC dvd's)? Jane Austen, loved all her books(again BBC dvd's), what is she like? Lucy Maude Montgomery - love Anne - what's Lucy like? Susanna Moodie and Catharine Parr Traill because I'd like to know if their experience moving to and living in Canada's back woods were rough and painful because they very much were at that time or did they experience severe and hard times because they came from middle-class Britain. Lastly, my foremothers: my mother, my mother's mother and my mother's mother's mother, I want to hear their stories.

Well, I've invited too many people and I think, this so-called dinner may have to continue on into the next day and we'd all have brunch together. Thank you to all of my dinner guests, if only you all could make it!

A single conversation across the table with a wise person is worth a month's study of books.
~Chinese Proverbs~